You will quite often hear people objecting whenever someone criticises the victim of an accident or assault. They see ‘victim-shaming’, as they call it, always to be unloving and out of place.
Of course, if someone
is a victim through no fault of their own, it would be completely wrong to criticise
that person. Or, if the victim was at fault in some way but has seen the error
of their way, speaking critically to them would be unnecessary.
However, sometimes people become victims of accidents or assaults because they have done something wrong and they are not willing to admit that it was at all their fault. In such cases, criticising the victim, with the aim of making them feel regret for what they did, is often a loving thing to do.
The benefit of feeling regret
It should be very
obvious that for anyone to feel regret for any sin they have committed is a
good thing. Regret helps to foster an attitude of repentance and discourages
the sinner from repeating the sin.
We see this sort of
thinking in 2 Corinthians 7:9-10, where the apostle Paul writes:
‘As
it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved
into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss
through us. For
godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret,
whereas worldly grief produces death.’ (ESV)
There is no need for me here to discuss the details of
the situation in Corinth that Paul is referring to in this passage. What is important for our purposes in this article is
that he clearly sees the benefit of regret as it leads to repentance. He refers
specifically to ‘godly grief’, but this is really just another way of describing
regret that God approves of and uses for good.
Of course, feeling
regret leads to repentance from all sorts of sins, whether or not a sinner is
the victim of an accident or an assault, but sins that lead to being a victim
are certainly included in this.
Dangerous driver
Here are some
examples of where criticising victims, to try to make them regret what they
have done, would be a helpful and positive thing.
Firstly, suppose
there is a 17-year-old boy who has just learned to drive. His ego gets the
better of him, and he thinks he is a much better driver than he really is. So
he drives far too fast on a winding road, crashes his car and breaks his leg.
He is the victim of
an accident that was entirely his fault.
Now, immediately
after this accident, it would be wrong to speak critically to him. At that
time, he needs a ton of sympathy and support.
Also, later on, if he
has clearly learned his lesson and sees how stupid he was, there is no good
reason for approaching him to criticise him.
But suppose that
after a few months it seems obvious that he hasn’t learned his lesson. He is
bragging to his friends about crashing his car, treating his broken leg like
some sort of a war wound.
In a situation like
this, if someone can get this young man to regret what he did, it will be a
very helpful thing to do.
If he doesn’t reach
the point of feeling regret, there is a real possibility that he might do it
again, and maybe next time he might die or be permanently injured or kill someone
else. Or he might influence a friend to drive in the way he did.
So he is a victim,
and it is good for him to be criticised for the sin he committed – in this
case, driving recklessly – that led to him being a victim. Love is sometimes
tough, and in this case criticising the victim for the purpose of making him
feel regret would be an example of tough love.
Disobedient boy
As another example, suppose
there is a 10-year-old boy, and his parents say to him:
‘There are lots of
great places around here where you can play with your friends. But don’t go to
that park over there, because there are often bigger boys there, bad boys, who
might hurt you.’
Suppose that this boy
then, for no good reason, disobeys his parents, goes to the park, and is beaten
up by the bigger boys.
He is the victim of
an assault that was partly his fault.
When I say that it
was partly his fault, I hope it is clear that I am not trying to reduce the
guilt of the attackers. The guilt of the attackers is a separate thing from the
guilt of the boy who committed a sin to put himself in the position where he
was attacked. These are separate sins. But in the overall picture of what
happened, it is still right to say that it is partly his fault. If he hadn’t
disobeyed his parents, he wouldn’t have been beaten up.
Immediately after
this assault, it would be wrong to speak critically to this boy. At that time,
he needs a lot of comfort and support.
Also, if he has
learned his lesson, there would be no place for speaking critically to him at a
later time either.
But suppose that after
a couple of months it is clear that he hasn’t learned his lesson. He has again
disobeyed his parents by going back to that park, risking another beating. In
this case, trying to make this boy regret what he did that led to him being
beaten up would be a positive thing, both for himself and for any of his
friends who might be badly influenced by him.
This is another
example, then, of where criticising a victim is a form of tough love.
Sexual assault
Another good example
has to do with people, especially young women, who go out drinking and are
sexually assaulted because they are too drunk to make good decisions to protect
themselves.
Of course, many
sexual assaults occur through no fault of the victim. But there are many other occasions,
when the victim is partly at fault, because they wouldn’t have been assaulted
if they hadn’t committed the sin of getting drunk.
Again, I want to
stress that when I say it is partly the victim’s fault, I am in no way trying
to reduce the guilt of the attacker. The guilt of the attacker is a separate
thing from the guilt of the person who committed a sin to put themself in the
position where they were sexually assaulted. These are separate sins. But in
the overall picture it is still right to say that in cases like these the
victim is partly at fault.
Of course,
immediately after the trauma of a sexual assault, the last thing that anyone
should do is speak critically to the victim. At that time they need an ocean of
sympathy and support.
I also think that a
large majority of people who are sexually assaulted because they get drunk do
learn their lesson. But if they don’t and they go out drinking heavily again, criticising
them to try to make them feel regret would be a good thing to do. In such cases,
this would be an example of tough love, both for their own benefit and the
benefit of anyone they might negatively influence.
Just as a little side
note on this issue, I would advise anyone who goes out on a Friday or Saturday
night to have one or at the most two drinks. And I am sure that if young people
followed this advice, the number of sexual assaults would decrease, probably by
a lot.
As another little
side note, I also want to say that it angers me when those who claim to be
outraged at sexual assaults refuse to advise people to drink in moderation, even
though they must know that doing this would decrease the number of these awful
events.
Criticising the
actions of those who are repentant
I have already said
that if someone is at fault, partly or entirely, for becoming a victim, but is
repentant and has learned their lesson, there is no place for approaching them
to criticise them.
However, even if they
are repentant, there is still a place for sometimes criticising their actions
when speaking to other people. If others might be tempted to commit similar
sins and also become victims, anything we can say to discourage that behaviour would
be helpful.
See also:
The
Importance of Sympathy and Empathy in Christian Living
Christians Should Expect to Offend People
Some
Steps That Christians Can Take to Avoid Judging People
